N Misunderstood Land

inquiring minds also want to know about 2blackGuys..

     perhaps the reality is that i don't fully understand myself; 55 years in the running and of life,  i still don't have a clue about meaning, intent,(of which i would like to romantically mean "the state of a person's mind that directs his or her actions toward a specific object" but I actually mean simply 'God's design') legacy ( of which I don't mean like a library or other such object, but speak more of the personal, e.g., living up to my own 'sense' of self worth and/or integrity) or real truth.  Truth seems ethereal, a highly refined in'sub·stan'ti·al'i·ty; intangible quick to dissolve and 're constitute' itself a machine gun in the hands of a 13 years of age African child of Somalia.  Working a job for the last several years that essentially deprives me of any real life activity short of commuting, some eating, and some sleeping, none the less I am surprised that my personal is defined by weed, motion pictures and varying sound environs ranging from noise to sublime (thinking of Shigeru Umebayashi: "Yumeji's Theme" (originally from the soundtrack of Seijun Suzuki's Yumeji)  Nothing is as it may appear, integrity can shift with the demands of hunger and criminal is only in the eye of the beholder; Anxiousness is a commonality shared by the very young and the very aged, esp, those living a half a century or more;  Seems i am always taking chances if only to survive, not for living but to simply exist; A continued imbalanced coexistence with utilities and lords or deed holder's demands__hinged primarily on currency but supported by ancient prejudices, fables, superstitions and myths.  How else can a group of men come to dictate the value and use of the earths minerals. 

      So 'almost?' desperate, to be in love with some man; yet,  fiercely independent in my day 2 day behaviors and navigation through the social world of men, esp., my social world, which in it self encompasses an institution (with all the architectural overbearing/indifference signifying),  public transit systems both and/or all of which are terribly impersonal and cold, otherwise I'm on a bicycle  and some general eateries (most of which almost never varies, i.e., [a set of 3 different]  food courts, McDonald, and on occasion Special T's.) These are not really flirty fun places to 'perhaps' meet a man.  I have to be realistic with myself; I am not denying the value of 'some' institutions in particular schools of medicine, nor do i disqualify mass transit--they are both necessities of population growth; But I can also see how the demands of these given advances in society have also alienated and socially isolated me;  The institution of which i am currently a member once excluded persons of my color as recent as 40 years ago; some believe the institution is still unfair in it's relation with most persons of color.   Oh, the possibility of meeting is still present but given the general fare of these places, rare (only cause I'm hesitant to say 'never') are the instances of real emotional connection.  Such humanities of real sexual desire or spiritual divining or stimulating psychological synapses simply do not and can not happen in these brief encounters. By fiercely independent, I mean I am not the type of man whom will respond to a man in any kind of cliche or token manner; I am not a man of pretense and/or superficial relating__i say what i mean and mean what i say; I do not adhere to trends__meaning I don't let area dictate my behavior.

     At night, I go home; most of the time I am not holding nor have access to any superfluous monies of which I can afford to spend on superfluous entertainment, i.e. bars, cafes, casual events, and/or other such entertainment. I often don't have enough monies to have eaten properly through the course of the day, and may barely have the cost of my commute if not for the night than for the following nights. When I have money,  I am guilty of following my first passions, i.e., art and weed first in my use of superfluous funds.  Yet, speaking of crime, as i write these things, i am considering going to see Detroit Legends CARL CRAIG and Amp Fiddler perform together for the first time ever in SF.  Dancefloor experimentalist and top Detroit techno producer Carl Craig
has few equals in terms of the artistry, influence, and diversity of his
recordings. Few others have recorded so much quality music in such a
variety of styles than Craig, who jammed distorted beat-box samples into
lo-fi electro riggings, crafted epic house tracks like his remix of Tori
Amos' "God," and recorded the most sublime Detroit techno since
godfathers Juan Atkins and Derrick May were at their peak. After an
apprenticeship during the late '80s with Derrick May, Craig began
releasing his own recordings in 1989, first on May's Transmat imprint
and later on his own label, Planet E Communications.

Part of what makes Craig's style so unique and separates him from much
of the normal "Detroit Techno" sound, including current works, are his
remixes of world beat and jazz songs. This has helped spark a new
movement of electronic music.

Regarding the many positions he has held in the music industry (artist,
producer, DJ, label boss, and more), Craig has said: "I have a bad habit
of getting my hands dirty in every little thing, and I really do enjoy it.

Joseph "Amp" Fiddler is an American keyboardist, singer, songwriter and
record producer from Detroit, Michigan, U.S.. His musical styles include
funk, soul, dance and electronica music. He is probably best known for
his contributions to the band Enchantment, and as part of George
Clinton’s Parliament and Funkadelic groups from 1985 until 1996. His
first solo album Waltz of a Ghetto Fly was released in March 2004. His
most recent album, Afro Strut, was released in 2006.

Throughout an illustrious career, Fiddler has worked with George
Clinton, Moodymann, Stephanie McKay, Jamiroquai, Prince, Was (Not Was),
the Brand New Heavies, Fishbone, Corinne Bailey Rae and nu soul artist
Maxwell. Working with his brother, Bubz (bass guitarist, producer and
songwriter), he released the album Mr Fiddler in 1990 on Elektra. Amp
Fiddler is credited with introducing hip-hop producer J Dilla to the
Akai MPC sampling drum machine and also to A Tribe Called Quest member
Q-Tip.

DJ Cecil is best known as one of the founders of the LEGENDARY thePeople
Party, The Relevant Sound Project and resident DJ of BEMBE celebrations.

  The crime is about where the funds would have to come from in order for me to attend this 'historical' musical event; Its this friday (06.18.10); it would run me an easy cool $40.00 to hang out; and right now i have weed so i could be hell'a high; and the reason i have weed is because i already committed a crime to raise the money to buy the weed;  in my mind i would like to justify my criminal behavior by the fact of my birthday so near; like the world owes me a good time; in the end, i would be there more for the musical artist present than man hunting; I think in my lifetime to have the 'opportunity' to see such giants in the music industry is rare and I should jump at the chance if I even remotely have it--i.e., by criminal means?  So, I guess I am saying, I don't put 'man hunting' on the top of the list; If I have extra monies after most bills, my impulse is to first acquire weed, then art supplies, then music then food then more weed then my monies would drift towards things, like electronics, or clothes/shoes only only after generally exhausting these priorities would I if I still has superfluous cash then look at random social places and/or events.  I would rather sit with a man over an easel then a bar stool; I would rather 'break bread' outside say in the park with a man than hang out at some impersonal social event or place.  I would rather work out (of which is never exclusively hinged on a gym membership) and/or cook a meal with a man than spend hell'a bank in some hyped restaurant/bar.  A side bar is that the fact of the matter is that SF social environs are costly affairs and not for the under paid.  I have found that queer environs are some of the most expensive in the city__as costly as most of the upper echelon affairs.

    Maybe I'm being a bit bitter, I can hardly tell, as I am really only telling the fact of the matters; I am looking for a strategy, someway to defeat these 'set' conditions and prevail in a rather triumphant manner; I started this course, say since my employment with UCSF which would be the last 6 years, with some modest success, e.g., I was going to the gym at least 3 times a week with most of that time in the early hours of the morning; since i worked in the same building as my gym, I generally timed my workouts to an 3 hours before my work shift, i.e., 2 to work out 1 to chill;  I seemed to be managing a fairly useful diet, and seemed to keep a bit of 'monies' for additional food needs; I bicycled most places short of across the bay, i.e., I only used public transit to get across the bay once on either side I immediately utilized my bicycle; I had some sort of working model for sleep, though I don't think I was getting 8 hours a night by any means;

     Then i burned out; I simply could not sustain such 13 to 15 hour days and 'afford' the necessary diet to at least have the energy let alone strength to just keep going; in fact, i was defeating the work out and bike riding, and exhausting myself;  I tried to scale back, by changing up the gym hours but this proved to be such a conflict and in the end I still fell short on the diet end of things; The bike riding went basically the same way, from a daily ride of roughly 8 miles, split by 4 miles each way; I now really just use the bike to go to and fro the BART station most days (except on Wednesday, when i usually ride the length to the MB campus from BART as well.)  The main problem being diet; I simply am not eating enough food to put my body through such endurance races; trust me, I loved, absolutely loved the personal freedom the ride gave/gives me esp., with regards to going to work but somehow the price for that freedom is rather taxing.  Besides the food problem, another issue for the bike riding was clothing; since I was commuting from two very different climate zones, I often had either on or with me several sets of clothing;  I was often so over heated in the clothing i did wear and ended up getting several forms of jock itch in very uncomfortable places (besides smelling all sweaty all day long, and/or living in moist or wet underclothing all day.

July 6th, 2010;

     Been a few weeks since i first started this rather lengthy entry; now the inspiration for the above has somewhat diminished; my new concerns; though, still about and around money for the most part, have changed;  my biggest thing is my new post within the library family; I now sit at a different desk, in a different department, with different supervisor and coworkers; the first major change is that all of my coworkers presently are women and I am the only man.  she says she wants to make me her right hand person, but i realize she really means her personal assistant (i.e., flunky) since it has become glaringly clear to me that I am the clean up man.  Another thing that is going on is that I can wear my headphones since i no longer have to answer the phone or be aware of the front desk (which is not even near my new office); she said she tried to get me full time, but the powers that be did not want to let that happen; hmmmmmmmmm. 

i know it's been a minute

going out to dinner tonight, Oh, it's sept. 3, i think; taking my brother randy to 2223 market street restaurant bar; least i can do since he always taking me out and helping me out and shit; so right now, i'm watching La Mission; an you know i'm at work; but ain't a thing going on; bout' to go to lunch, try something light so i am hungry later on.

waiting on some music and books to show up at this library, thinking maybe today, but really not till probably next tuesday or some shit..

now the movie makes me uncomfortable;

esp., since there is fighting between father and son;

i may have to put it on hold to see whit this later; so far though it definitely has my attention; watch with my lunch.. 

 Music, music music

gosh so much music i want and try to own; i've picked up the following from Underground Hip Hop .com

'Muzikillmind (IMPORT)'   and  'Terradactyl (LIMITED EDITION -...'

both of which i would be hard pressed to critique esp., if you are not familiar with the players, soffice to say that Declaime is one of my heroes, and quite the contemporary poet of our time; i think he should publish a bookof poetry, abet his fans probably wouldn't want to read a book (i would, just like I read Chuck D from Wu Tang Clan;

i'm looking at BLEEP; and Carlos Nino caught my attention;  recently picked up "Build an Ark" and

Suite For Ma Dukes 

and i've had for a while, which now is out of print.l. Ra Ra/ Blue Sky, Purple Clouds And Thunder/ For Super Sound/ Brothers From Another/ Fatu Batu'

review: The title of Thelonious Monk's "Ugly Beauty" provides the best means of describing Dudley Perkins's artistry: Navigating between a shrill falsetto and a croaking tenor, Perkins often lands on notes that more surefooted crooners avoid. His sense of melody seems hazy at best, and his rhythmic gait can get shaky.

Nevertheless, Perkins possesses one of the most emotionally potent voices in R&B. When he unravels a narrative about spiritual wars or urban blight, his voice can be frighteningly bewitching. Case in point: "Dear God," from Expressions (2012 A.U.), on which he says a prayer to get through his darkest days. Seemingly clinging to his last thread of hope, Perkins prays for his family, then confesses to God about his addiction to marijuana.

Madlib"s hallucinogenic soundscapes convey Perkins' cannabis-induced enlightenment nicely, particularly when he sings, "I want to get high / So when the rain comes down I won"t feel a thing / Tell me how to get by, because I try and try to get things right." At that moment, "Dear God" ranks alongside Marvin Gaye and Sly Stone's sweet exorcisms, on which they tussled with their own demons, in the process separating the beauty from the bile.