iDLg v.6

"hey randy, don’t get me wrong, .."

     is when i realize I've been rejected;  Rejection is difficult to swallow, and harder to spit out; Most of the time, I'm willing to 'suspend' my pride and not invest in reasons why another didn't want to 'get to know me'; sometimes I'm unable to let it go; most of the time it still stings and hurts.  I really don't have a clue why 'he' declined my invitation but I generally believe it is the result of some sort of 'perceived' homosexual come on; perhaps, the 'flirtation' was more pronounced than I had thought I was demonstrating; perhaps,  my attempt at casual indifference was awkward and suggestively too emotional; 

     all in all, I'm certain to live on without this additional human association in my life; I don't regret asking the boy; i am 'saddened' to realize he 'really' does not want to befriend; I am embarrassed to think he changed his 'routine' to avoid any kind of social interaction with me;  this kind of 'fear' (which i can rationalize sooner than hatred, or disgust) of 'involvement' is strange and unsettling for me because I can not image myself as having any kind of negative affect on another person; by kind of fear, I mean the emotions that cause a person to 'want' to avoid some other person.  I think the times i have or would demonstrate such, would be with some person whom was truly bothersome to me, i.e., following me, persistently injecting themselves in my life; coming on strong and annoyingly unconscious of my feeling and or reactions; 

     Checking myself, i don't think I demonstrated any of the above mentioned nuisance traits towards him; although, the possibility exist that my simple direct introduction to him was 'perceived' as such.  I am the type of guy, whom would tell a guy straight off; I don't think I would change my routines in avoidance; I think I understand, how a str8 boi could find it difficult to tell a perceived homo that he does not care to befriend.  

     I don't know, when women flirt with me and seek an introduction, and/or ultimately a befriending, I'm not unsettled by the energy; I may even move with her toward some kind of social relationship mindful of the pace and space of the affair; however; if we (her and/or I) invest 'substantially' in the energy then i will make clear that I've no sexual interest in relating to her;  I think I also give her the choice of continuing the interactions.  I don't think I simply avoid or straight out reject, she would have to be like or worse than the fore mentioned nuisance.

"..but I don’t think hanging out is such a good idea.  nothing personal .."

  So maybe, I don't really understand why a str8 boi thinks interaction with a perceived homo is best left to immediate rejection and avoidance.  Blog about it after so long an absence from blogging is probably more about my 'perceived' wound.  Different strokes for different folks is probably my best assessment;  I think I am needing to express this dismay because I invested to greatly in the 'possibility' of his association.  

     I noticed this boi, because his routine often put him in my immediate environment;  I noticed this boi because I boi watch esp., given the very public nature of my environment i.e., I spend at the least 4 hours of the day in a public counter as a service agent;  the counter is at the entrance and lobby of a building frequented by large numbers of persons.  I noticed this boi because of the many men/boys that frequent the building, he stood out to me--his small size, his brown complexion, his evenly cut buzz cut black hair, his 'slacker' like dress, his dark eyes and his constant appreciation to music, and of course his routine of coming into the lobby at basically the same time and sitting in the same chairs every day.  Chairs that face the counter of which i am either sitting or standing, watching people, waiting to serve people.

     I noticed him because I wanted to notice him or at least some one whom looks like him; I prefer him to the many other types, namely white, of men/boys that frequent the lobby; I don't fault him for 'perceiving' me as homo, cause I am; I am also certain that my notice of him was sexually informed (although I don't think that was it's base motivation.)  I can no longer feel guilty for having sexual desire in a environment that offers so few opportunities to engage other homosexuals, in particular, of the mating rituals.  Not accounting for ageism that may also be playing a significant role in my mating opportunities, I think heterosexuality dominates my day to day routine environments;

 " you seem like a cool person, ..  but I like to keep my professional life strickley professional.  .."

     And like most str8 guys, I too have to let some go by the way side; I may think I'm 'all that and a bag of chips too' but I can accept other men (str8 and/or queer) may not find me of the least interesting.  I'm not sure what kind of 'professional' thing he has going on sitting in the lobby of a building listening to an Ipod on the daily at exactly the same time, but I can respect his desire to seem so.  As my life is My Adventure, so too is his life his without me (other than as a 'fixture' of the lobby that he frequents [and/or use to frequent].)  I'm glad I made the effort to speak to him cause now I fully know whether he is available to me as at least a new friend.  In some ways, I'm not bothered that his avoidance has meant he no longer frequents the lobby of the building for one cause I simply wouldn't want such unavailable eye candy around and secondly cause I think the avoidance forces him to change up what I perceived as a rather sad routine (esp., if he is not doing it (the routine of the same place/same time same thing behavior) to provide the opportunity to expand his social network)